I'm not even going to pretend like I know what I'm doing. Part of why I like keeping this blog is because I want to see where I'm improving. You can't admit that you're improving without also admitting that you're coming from a less-refined state.

So, I've never felt like I knew what I was doing vocally. I've never had a private voice lesson in my life. But I had songs inside of me, and the four years of glee in college managed to convince me that I could, at least, render sketchy versions said songs.

After I got out of college and began working, the perfectionist side of me began to give way to a version of me that said, "just do it." I took jobs that were definitely not necessarily what I had planned on, but I liked them and found that if I just did them enough, I would get to a place where I felt as solid as I actually was.

Which is how I began to accept that I could do this. Despite studying classical guitar for ten years, I never believed I was supposed to become a musician until I began to know God a little better, and His main thing for awhile was all, "you're a musician. you'll be mildly unhappy until you can accept that."

FINE, I said.

So I just did it. Though I knew I was not where I wanted to be. I was aware of my stumbling and my imperfections and when you're a performer, you just bravado your way right through them, because, you have to.


I left Sound Stage last Thursday, feeling... different. Feeling like I had nailed it. My mom confirmed it.

I can't say what happened, but we both tended to agree that something strange is happening with the vocals. Like, they're getting better. Or something. I sing out and it just feels, I don't know... stronger? Sort of like it was a suspension bridge before and now it's all fancy and solid and you can stand on it without getting blown around in the wind.

Maybe it's a fluke. I hope not, though, because I really like this.

Choir director? Who, me?

I love my choir. It's great to bring people together to sing. But choir directorship is not something I ever would have imagined for myself.

From what I can recall, I hated my voice when I was a kid. The way it sounded was just really repulsive to me. I knew that I could carry a tune, but I believed that the quality of my voice was so terrible that I should do everyone a favor and just shut up.

So when I got to college, I wanted a music degree. Fine, they said. You'll have to join a large ensemble. And guess what? There's no large ensemble for classical guitar, so... you'll be in Women's Glee, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays from noon to one.

Apparently, nobody had informed them of the horror that was my vocal quality. So I just bit my tongue, accepted my fate, and figured on lip syncing my way through four years of college.

Turns out you sing a lot, if you're a music student. Even outside of Women's Glee, there were ear training classes where you had to sing different musical intervals, eventually building up to sight-singing in solfege. (You know... Do, Re, Mi...)

Here's what I discovered:

1. Choir directors can be really nice, encouraging people (who sometimes devote Wednesdays to the color purple)
   
2. People did not wince from what I envisioned was my harsh, grating tone
   
3. You will be very popular in a choir if you have a good ear
   
4. Singing is a fun, unifying experience that is just plain good for the soul
   

It made me a little mad that I had been cheated out of such a great thing for so long. It made me mad that some people try to make singing something so lofty and inaccessible, try to tell others they can't sing when they clearly can. We're not all going to be on Broadway, but we can carry a tune and we don't sound half bad doing it, thankyouverymuch.

Enter my six years of directing small community choirs. Starting with my dorm and lately including the church choir. It's always been a mix -- some seasoned choir veterans, some people wanting to try for the first time. I've never auditioned anyone. I depend completely upon the goodwill and kindness of my singers to forgive each others' mistakes and help each other to create a beautiful performance.

So I'm really excited that we're coming up on a performance again for Christmas this year. They sound great, but their hearts are even better.